I watch the rain pouring down at its fullest. It was dark. I sat on the corner of the floor enough for me not to get wet but enough to enjoy the rain. The water splashed up on my face and something inside me kicked and turned its position like enjoying what he saw. People told me to kill the only thing I have for him but I refused to do so. I want to keep it for myself. Back then in rain we used to envision our babies playing in the rain in the garden of our love. I still envisioned that but instead now they play in the garden of my love only. I instinctively put a hand on my stomach feeling him. This action of mine gives me the feeling as if I am touching him, not my own belly. I used to love rain as I had always thought that it brings happiness like it is the catharsis of my soul, cleansing of the deeper sins. But now it’s the sadness that has been dropped into the pit of my stomach. I sat there for hours watching the rain thinking of all the moments we had back then together as one. I saw us dancing in the rain,hugging our souls, cleaning the water droplets from each other’s eye. Now not only the sky is pouring but my eyes decided to be like the sky and tears cascaded down my face. I didn’t bother wiping them as you can never drain and stop the water while it’s raining. I opened my legs and pushed it little outside the shelter that was keeping me safe from getting wet. The water slides down to my legs softly and easily. It was 4 in the afternoon but it felt as if I was watching the rain at midnight. I stood up on my feet. It was hard because I was sitting in one position for hours. A sigh escaped from my lips. I held the pole beside me as the pain was heavy. I stayed there for a while to lessen the pain so that I could walk. Two minutes later I managed to move and walk down inside the house that was all gloomy and dark. I went to the kitchen, sipped the water from the bottle and took out candles and lit them up. They were like those fireflies that killed out the darkness enveloped in the atmosphere and brightened the whole world but mine was still dreary and dull. I walked into the living room to put down the candles there. I put one of them on the table in front of the couch and my baby kicked inside me like telling me there is something waiting for me. He is always a hope for me. I ignored him for the first time in his six months of being with me. I walked to the outer area with the last candle in my hand to place it on the rack. It was raining hard but despite it a voice echoed around the hallway. The voice I have been listening to in my dreams, the voice that made me cry, made me laugh and give those overwhelming emotions of joy and love that were hard to handle. I was scared to turn around thinking that it’s all in my head. The baby kicked my belly softly once again like feeling me and telling me that he is here. Pair of hands enveloped me from behind and a tear escaped that it was real. He pushed me gently so that my back was touching his front. He put his head on my shoulders and kissed me gently on the neck and the candle slipped from my hand. It was dark but comforting, cold to others but warm to me. All the cold I was feeling vanished away like he was the sun to my cold night. I couldn’t turn and look into his eyes. All the questions that i have been preparing myself to ask from him whenever I will be meeting him are just lost in the turmoil and ambivality of my own self. He kissed my upper shoulder this time.
“I am sorry..” I heard him say. His voice was deep like usual but regretful. Maybe regrets of losing me? Or the regrets of not loving me? Not trusting me? All the emotions in me had shut me down. Only the tears fell down and they were speaking so loudly that my voice would be inaudible as compared to them. I don’t want to cry but i can’t help it.
“Why?” i managed to speak but not sure if he heard it or not. The clouds made a loud thunder like my questions had struck him. I flinched hard and involuntarily my body pushed itself towards his like finding it’s shelter and safe place. He shushed me like everytime he used to do after I was scared.
I turned around and looked into his eyes. Every question roamed around my eyes. He stared into mine and searched for something and looked down. His eyes were sad, regrets, sorrows, and miseries danced in there. My heart sank a little but my facade was strong. I wiped my tears from both of my palms and asked him again but a little loud and strong
This time it was demanding, demanding for answers. He looked up and took a long breath.
“I know I am wrong but I wanted to protect you, protect you from the things that I had always been scared of. When i got to know that you are pregnant i know they would do anything to get me even if that means hurting you. I never wanted to do that but I had no choice. All these month all i could think of was you and today i realized that there is no other place where you could be safe other than beside me”
Tears fell down all his face. I had never seen him cry before and this sight was heart wrenching.
“How could you do that? You left me here alone because I would be safe without you? What if they had come here and hurt me? You thought I would be safe here. How bold of you to assume that! If anything has happened to him” I placed a hand on my swollen belly
“or me then you wouldn’t even know anything”
He cut me in the middle and held my face in between his hands and leaned forward to rest his forehead against mine with closed eyes.
“shushhhh I know I made a mistake but I am not a fool. You have security around you 24 hours. They are watching and giving me every news. This house has cameras and alarms inside and if anyone tried to break in then me and all the guards will be coming inside to keep you safe”
He looked at me with great intensity like he was promising me something and continued.
“I will never let alone come near you let alone harm you. I promise you iira”
I stared into his eyes dumbfoundedly. I never knew all of that. There was security around me?
“But, I never knew about that” I voiced out my thoughts.
He smiled so softly that the warmth of his smile melted all the walls I had around myself.
“Do you know who the owner of this house is?” he paused but I didn’t reply because I have never met this house owner. He smiled again like he was adoring me. But why?
“I bought this house for you. You are the owner of this house. That’s a long story but just remember that I did all of this because I have no other options and I need to create space between us and I did that just to keep you safe.”
He then inhaled deeply and continued
“And I missed you”
This time I let my eyes roam around his face. His face now has light wrinkles, the eyebags were visible and dark, his hair was slightly wet and disheveled and a scar was there just above the eyebrow. I scrunch my eyebrows and inadvertently my hands move to touch the scar.
“This is why i wanted to keep you safe”
My eyes moved to look into his eyes.
“They broke into the house for you” My grips tightened around his arms. He sensed it and pulled me closer until there was no space.
“Don’t be scared iira I am here with you”
I know what he was doing.
“Did they hurt you anywhere else?”
I let my eyes wander over him but he held my chin and made me look into his eyes. His 6’5 figure was completely towering over my 5’4.
His words have intensity and power and for the first time I spoke what I had been feeling all these months, what I always wanted to say.
“I missed you. I thought you left me alone here. People told me to abort our baby but i didn’t because” This time i looked down and continued
“Because I can never kill what’s yours ” I looked up in his eyes
“I want to see and hold the young zavi in my arms and feel him. But I wanted you to be by my side all this time. I wanted you to hold me when… when the morning nausea wakes me up. I..I wanted you to be there when I bled all night in my room, when I was so close to losing the only possession I wanted to keep safe, the only thing left”
My voice echoed around and the tears were all over my face.
“Don’t you think I wanted to be there too. I wanted to feel and experience everything with you iira. I wanted to hold you every time you cried. I wanted to be there with you but I cannot. But I was there the whole time when you bled. The moment the lamp broke because you fainted lightly the alarm went on and I left everything to be there with you. And I did.”
He inhaled deeply
“When i saw all that blood I couldn’t do anything except to keep you safe. We drove to the hospital with you in my arms. After months I had you in my arms again but the only difference was that you were not responding. I was there in the hospital and stayed there for three days. I used to visit you every night, bought you skittles, cakes and pizzas because you love them right. I am sorry really but I was all doing that for you”
And I couldn’t hold it any more. I cried hard on his shoulder. He didn’t complain but he held me tightly gently stroking my hair and telling me it’s all okay now. My heart was overwhelmed and confused. He was there with me all the time but at the same time he wasn’t. I looked up into his eyes and there was nothing but love. He gives a very longing kiss on the forehead and all the questions and ambiguity washes away. He rested his forehead against mine and looked into me
“I love you iira more than you can ever think”
“I love you too” I replied immediately, not wasting a second. He smiled faintly and shifted his eyes to my swollen belly. His hands softly touched it and I was ecstatic. His smile and face brightened more and his eyes shifted into mine.
“It’s a boy right?”
I smiled the first time today and nodded
“Yes, it’s a boy zaviyar and he quite annoys his mama i should say” i said it with a little frown
He laughed and his head threw itself backward. That’s what I missed the most. He looked at me again after sobering himself a little.
“What would I do without you?”
He asked me so softly that my heart just stopped right there. The rain had slowed down and everything seemed so right. I couldn’t resist hugging him again. I just wanted to hold him tightly and never let him go.
“I love you” I whispered in his neck. He replied to it but with ‘more’ in the end.
I moved away a little but still in his arms and watched the rain. It was pouring lightly and the sky was clearing up like all the pain in me that had been wiped off by him. I felt his gaze looking into me from behind but I didn’t bother turning around. I felt his arms encircling me tightly and holding my waist. His face rested on my shoulder and I looked at him.
“Want to go for a walk?”
At this question I smiled and nodded. That was my favourite thing to do with him. Whenever it rained we used to walk down the streets and today we were reviving that memory and how can I say no to that. He smiled and moved back and held my hand in his and stepped out.
“Wait I have to change first in to something good”
He eyed me and looked into what I was wearing. I was wearing a loose hoodie that reached to my thigh and black jogger pants.
“Wait here” he told me and he went in without an explanation and a minute later I saw him coming out with white shoes and a jacket in his hand. He crouched down low and held my leg.
“You know I can wear them on my own and besides I have to change first anyway. I am not going to wear this outside and maybe wash my face. I am probably looking shit right now”.
He looked at me with a straight face like he was expecting it. And then he shook his head in disappointment maybe and smiled. What?
“No, you don’t need to change. You look cute in this plus it keeps you warm so it’s okay. And I know you can wear it on your own but I want to do this. Okay now give me your leg beautiful”
He was explaining to me like I was some two year old baby. I pulled my eyebrows together but decided to listen to him and put out my leg for him. He helped me in that and stood up. He put the jacket on the shoulders and pushed me forward lightly and looked at me intently.
“You are beautiful and I love you, that’s it!”
I smiled and the red colour coruscates on my cheek. He hold my hand still looking at me and asked
“Ready?” I smiled and nodded shortly. And we walked miles, holding hands and pouring out hearts, eating and drinking hot chocolates and s’mores, laughing and sometimes enjoying the silence. But at the end we found each other again.